Part I: Another episode of hospitalization in the Denver Metro Area: The Good, The Bad, The Successful…

Okay….so this is the very first time this has ever happened in my life!!! I actually got what I wanted! With wanting what hospital I wanted to go to, what unit I wanted to go to, with the proper diagnosis when admitted to the ER. Nothing mentioning anything on Axis II!!! Having an actual individualized treatment plan! Amazingly, they (a certain private psychiatric hospital in south Denver) have actually gotten right so far!

So…after being discharged from the downtown hospital, it only took one week for me to attempt suicide again. Not because of any diagnosis I have or because I was severely depressed, but because of this time of year being a severe trigger for me. To spare the details and give you the nuts and bolts version…I lost 1.5 pints of blood. I was in the ER for about a day and a night, before this social worker (an amazing social worker that is definitely doing the job he was meant for) made the decision, along with the doctor, to put me on a CRS 27:10, or 72 hour hold. The social worker understood what I was going through, that I really did not want to die, but could not control the brainwashing I experienced in my childhood.

This brainwashing was what was leading me to attempt suicide, have suicidal ideation, and ultimately come very close to killing myself this past time. The social worker understood this all! It was amazing! It was the first time someone outside my Therapist and Psychiatrist actually understood what I was suffering from! He worked his best to get me into the “best private hospital” which mission statement includes:

“[the hospital] strives to provide a level of excellence in behavioral healthcare services that prompts patients to recommend our facility to families and friends; that physicians prefer when making choices for their patients; that purchasers preferentially select for their clients; and an environment of care and quality of which our employees are proud.”

The hospital also states:

“Once a patient is admitted to [the hospital], an interdisciplinary team creates an individualized treatment program that includes acute care treatment, solution-focused treatment, and comprehensive discharge planning.”

I only bring up these two statements because of the treatment I received during the time I spent there.

I arrived April 25, 2012 (I was in the ER April 23, 2012). I was oriented to the Unit, which was the Adult Unit II. It was the Unit with the higher functioning patients that could utilize and apply the group information that was taught during the day by some Nurses, Social Workers, Therapists, and a Speciality Therapist in Trauma.

I was there mainly because of my suicide attempt and the time of the year was a severe trigger for me. I was hoping that I was going to be able to stay in the hospital until my trigger season was over tonight/tomorrow (six weeks after the Easter holiday weekend).

Upon entry of the Unit, I was involved fully in an intake that was the most comprehensive I have experienced in Colorado! They filled out a paper entitled

“MULTIDISCIPLINARY TREATMENT PLAN”:

“Provisional Diagnosis:

Axis I PTSD [Post Traumatic Stress Disorder], MDD [Major Depressive Disorder]

Axis II Deferred

Axis III HTN [Hypertension (only because I was taking a medication at a really low dose that was to help with my diabetes medications.)] T2DM [Type II Diabetes Mellitus] TBI [Traumatic Brain Injury]

Axis IV Primary support, social, occupation

GAF 30

Patient Strengths: (list at least two) Calm and cooperative with assessment. Has a nice smile

Patient Challenges: eliminate all thoughts of SI [suicidal ideation] and get stabilized on medications.

MASTER PROBLEM LIST

This was the first time I felt like and truly believed that someone has finally understood my issues and I was finally going to get help with my issues!!!!

Well…I met with a doctor I saw last fall for suicidal ideation. He was a young doctor of Psychiatry. I also met with a social worker that I thought was going to be an advocate for me throughout my stay. Thus my hopes were up because I had a report with the doctor and a social worker willing to advocate for me for things that I am not capable of doing for myself.

I guess my hopes were way too high, because the doctor was just filling in for another doctor and my social worker only met with me maybe a total of 5 times during my month stay! She did not advocate for me, she did not help me with my issues, she did absolutely nothing. I’m not saying that she could not do those things, but I believe she was way overworked and had way too many patients on her plate to help me or even understand me.

Well…..This was the first day of my stay at the so called “best hospital in the Denver Metro area”. More to come soon!

I’ll try to upload the paper’s soon…with blacking out the hospital’s name so that I do not infringe on copyright laws….

Related articles

• My State of Mental Illness…right now…and what true friends do for each other. (mentalillnesstoday.wordpress.com)
• Part II: My State of Mental Illness…right now…and what true friends do for each other. (mentalillnesstoday.wordpress.com)
• Mental Illness Is Real And Can Be Treated (christiancopingwithsuicide.com)
• How to Help a Suicidal Person (fightingptsd.wordpress.com)

 

Part III: My State of Mental Illness…right now…and what true friends do for each other.

So…I ended with me sleeping the best sleep in a long while…in a Quiet Room of all places.  It ended up being a good thing, because I did recognize someone from where I was employed.  The groups there were pathetic…coloring (inside the lines), rules and expectations of the unit, etc…  Very low functioning atmosphere for someone like me to be in.

The screwed up all my meds!  And after a full day there…I finally lost it!  I called my friend that I called my “true friend” that was taking care of my dog and found out she was very sick and had diarrhea for a few days.  I was upset with my friend for not telling me, but in a way it was a blessing in disguise.  I don’t know if I could have handled knowing that my only consistent companion for the last 7 years was sick and I could do absolutely nothing for her.

I guess I ended up giving my “friend” “orders” as to what I normally do if she has diarrhea before I take her to the veterinary hospital.  I did not realize the way I sounded, I thought I was just being direct and informational.  I guess my “friend” took it the wrong way and became fairly upset with me.  Partly because of all the crap that  she had to clean up and partly because she felt like she couldn’t do anything about my suicidality and my thoughts of suicide and wanting to die.  She felt like I was taking her for granted.  However, that was the farthest from the facts!

I was more then grateful for what she was doing and everything she was doing for me and for my dog!!!  I was just in a place that I couldn’t express it because of my severe depression.  After that conversation I cried and cried!  I did not know what to do anymore…because everything in my life was out of control!

I could not control when I was allowed to eat, what I was allowed to eat, when to take my medications or even the medications I do well on, I could not make phone calls without a “crazy lady” constantly hounding me to “get the fuck off the phone…you don’t know anything here…the phone is mine, the phone is mine dam you!!!”  I was not receiving any type of treatment that would help me!

Finally, later that evening I spoke with my Psychiatrist again and she helped me to put things in perspective.  I was there to stay safe and to focus on myself, not the things that were going on outside the hospital.  So I took her advice and tried to call my “friend” back, but could not get ahold of her.  I followed the Unit’s program trying not to be triggered by the “lady with a foul mouth” and did my best.  After taking my night time medications, the Charge Nurse said that I would be moving over to the other Unit, where things were calmer and possibly had groups that I may be able to learn something from.

Thus my trip to Unit II was undertaken!  This Unit was MUCH better then the previous Unit.  It had patients that were more stable on their medications, they had groups that actually were useful and appliable to my life, and the plus was that they had two phones that we could use anytime and two computers with internet access!!!  I felt less alone on that Unit, even though I had no visitors or hardly anyone to speak to that I trusted.

I spent the rest of the Easter weekend on that Unit and discovered “Pintrist” (which I absolutely love now!!!!) and learned that you can bake as many eggs as you want instead of boiling them and they come out even better then boiled eggs for dying for Easter!  I learned more ways I can garden even though I live in an apartment building.

The groups were pretty lowkey since it was Easter weekend.  We played Bingo for “hot items” like sodas and candy bars.  We watched some movies.  And had one therapeutic group that lasted 30 minutes.  During which I was taken out of to meet with the Psychiatrist (the head of the department) and the decision was made that I would leave that day, Monday, the Monday that followed Easter weekend.

That made my day.  I left and took the bus and lightrail home.  While riding home, I reflected on the happenings of my stay at that hospital, all the work it took to get me to stay somewhere for the weekend.  How I was keeping myself safe while there.  What I learned while there.  I guess part of my, the part that is not controlled by the brainwashing, was gaining more and more self-esteem.  For I was able to communicate that I needed help when I needed help.  I kept myself safe.  I attempted to keep myself from going nuts on Unit I when I first arrived at the downtown hospital.

I went home and continued those thoughts.  Then I started blogging about the entire experience.  Which leads to another experience I will begin shortly….

Related articles

• Part II: My State of Mental Illness…right now…and what true friends do for each other. (mentalillnesstoday.wordpress.com)
• About having been both a mental health professional and a psych patient (beyondmeds.com)
• My State of Mental Illness…right now…and what true friends do for each other. (mentalillnesstoday.wordpress.com)

 

Done with this blog!

I obviously don’t know what I’m saying, thus I’ve decided to quit writing this blog. It wasn’t helpful for me…and that was the whole purpose…to help me help myself to help others….again…this was not true. So I quit!
Thanks to all those who read it. Good luck to all those who need it.

 

See, even cartoon characters have mental health problems!

See, even cartoon characters have mental health problems!.

 

Part II: My State of Mental Illness…right now…and what true friends do for each other.

Depression is a sucker!  It sucks all the energy, mental thought, and life out of you!  I have been experiencing this for the past week.  Thus, I have not been able to finish my silly adventure to the hospital this last time.  So…here it goes:

I left off with me going to sleep the first night I was in the ER.  I periodically awoke for “vitals” and other patients using the restroom.  I had to sleep with the light on, so the nurses and guards could see me on the little camera up in the corner of the ceiling.  I finally stay awake at 7am, when the guard arrived with my “breakfast”.

Oh how I wished I could have eaten what he brought, but since I have Celiac’s Disease, I cannot eat anything with Gluten in it.  Thus, the oh so wonderful looking pastry, fruit, and (yukky) scrambled eggs, were not touched.  I told the nurse (once again) that I have Celiac’s Disease and that I need a different breakfast.

After the nurse left with that information I was visited by another social worker…a different one.  She asked me all the same questions that the social worker the night before asked…exact-same-questions!  Then she proceeded to tell me that my multiple hospitalizations are not conducive to someone like me and that an Intensive Outpatient Program would be best suitable for my treatment.  I tried to explain to her that I was suicidal and that I had a plan and means and was going to kill myself sometime over the weekend.  That was why I was there, why my friend brought me to the ER, why both my Therapist and Psychiatrist thought that admitting myself to the hospital was progress and a good thing…because I was attempting to “keep myself safe” from myself.

After what seemed to be a couple of hours of speaking to this person about treatment, what brought me into the ER, what coping skills I utilized in the past, and what I could do instead of hospitalization; she left with frustration.  She left me feeling like I was not being taken seriously, that discharging me would be okay and I would be okay.  So…I asked the guard if I could use the phone (they do not allow cell phones or regular phones in the empty blue room…for safety).  He brought it in and I immediately called my Therapist and left a message to call me at the ER.  Then I called my Psychiatrist and spoke to her about what had transpired with the social worker…and that I was there to keep myself safe from killing myself.  I was frustrated and tried to explain everything to my Psychiatrist.  She understood what was going on and called the social worker to let her know that I was not in a good mental health state, that I was suicidal, and would probably act on my plan.

Then I tried my Therapist’s phone again and was able to get through.  I told her the same thing I told my Psychiatrist.  I asked her to call the social worker to let her know I was serious, and that I needed to be somewhere safe throughout the weekend.  Of course, after about three hours, I think the social worker finally got the drift that I should be in the hospital and not at home.

Finally, I felt a sense of relief.  I was safe from myself…at least the doctors and nurses would not allow me to do anything to myself.  Oh, and my breakfast finally arrived!  A huge plate of fruit and one hardboiled egg.

Throughout the day I spoke with a couple of friends, my Therapist again, and my Psychiatrist.  I realized that being in that empty blue room with a camera in the corner of the ceiling, I was alone.  I was going through all this by myself.  That it was my mind that had to change and my thoughts had to be safe and I had to have a desire to live.  Even though I realized this, I still had the thoughts of wanting to die.  I also felt extremely alone.

Toward the evening, I spoke with my Psychiatrist about what was going on in the ER…absolutely nothing…no bed anywhere!  I asked her why she cared about me, why she let’s me see her even though she knows I can’t pay her anything right now.  I asked her why she did what she does with me…care. She said that was the way she was brought up in her family.  That caring was a part of her personality and what she does.  I had not experienced someone caring that much in my life.  It was a new experience…I did not know what to do with it!  I guess I was speechless.  I managed to let out a “Thank you” in-between sobs and irregular breathing.  I was incredibly grateful for what she had done and what she continues to do.

So…during this time…I waited and waited and waited!  I ate lunch and dinner in the ER.  I sat and did absolutely nothing all day with the exceptions of talking on the phone. I thought about how I was being kept safe while I was in the ER.  Basically I was utilizing my own coping skill that I normally use when I was suicidal…just lay on my bed and do absolutely nothing.  Granted, this allows for my daily chores and “normal life” to be put on hold, but it does keep me safe.  I began to realize that I could keep myself safe by continuing to utilize that coping skill.  But by that time it was time to sleep.  The social worker (a different one….again!) still had not found a bed available in all the State!  So I took my sleeping medications and tried to sleep.

Around 10pm, the nurse comes in and tells me that they have a bed at a hospital downtown, that some EMT’s were going to be taking me there that night.  I was scared and upset that I was going to that hospital.  Mostly because I work in the same county that the hospital was in and I was afraid I would run into one of my clients or patients from the places that I normally work.

I end up arriving at the hospital around 11pm.  My meds were starting to kick in and the nurse was trying to ask  me questions.  What a silly thing to do to a person with mental health issues…you aren’t going to get a good answer while a person is drugged up!  Anyways, he asked me similar questions that the social worker asked.  Then I saw a regular doctor (he just happen to be a second year resident…doctor in training).  He asked me what meds I was on and told me that they were not going to give me one of my meds because it was the hospital’s policy to not administer stimulants…Adderall!  Wow…if it helps a person, keep them on it!!!

While the questions were being asked, another patient started banging on the door and screaming bloody murder!  As if trying to concentrate was easy enough with my meds kicked in, I was also having to listen to the questions with all the ruckus going on.  The nurse and doctor decided to let me go ahead and sleep.  However, because there was a possibility that one of my clients or patients may be in the same unit, they told me I had to sleep in the Quite Room (a room that was way more empty then the ER blue room)!  At that point I did not care where I was to sleep…except I wanted to be as far away from the person screaming and pounding on the door.  I do have to admit that sleeping that night was much better then the previous nights.  I think it may have had to do with the fact that I was going to be safe and I was so tired, it didn’t matter where I slept.

So…off to sleepy land I went.  When I awoke, I felt as if I was transported into my worst nightmares of hospitalizations!  With that…I will leave you to take a break and I will continue in Part III.

Related articles

• My State of Mental Illness…right now…and what true friends do for each other. (mentalillnesstoday.wordpress.com)
• Treatment of Grief in the Therapeutic Community (christiancopingwithsuicide.com)
• Depression/PTSD (mentalillnesstoday.wordpress.com)
• Reason for writing a blog…. (mentalillnesstoday.wordpress.com)
• Why Social Workers Should Oppose DSM-5 (my.psychologytoday.com)
• Doing what’s Right (behindthelockeddoors.wordpress.com)
• Did You Know – Gluten? (bbairdhumanperformance.com)

 

Still not feeling well.

My energy is zapped! I have no clue why….other then my depression is incredibly crippling my ability to do almost anything. I keep wanting to write, but the words are not there, or I am just way to exhausted! I’ll keep trying….that’s all I can do.

 

Depression/PTSD

I’m sorry…I have been wanting to post something for the last two days to finish my experience during my last hospitalization. However, my energy level is zapped due to the depression. I will try to do my best to keep it up to date though….thank you to all the followers!