Depression is a sucker! It sucks all the energy, mental thought, and life out of you! I have been experiencing this for the past week. Thus, I have not been able to finish my silly adventure to the hospital this last time. So…here it goes:
I left off with me going to sleep the first night I was in the ER. I periodically awoke for “vitals” and other patients using the restroom. I had to sleep with the light on, so the nurses and guards could see me on the little camera up in the corner of the ceiling. I finally stay awake at 7am, when the guard arrived with my “breakfast”.
Oh how I wished I could have eaten what he brought, but since I have Celiac’s Disease, I cannot eat anything with Gluten in it. Thus, the oh so wonderful looking pastry, fruit, and (yukky) scrambled eggs, were not touched. I told the nurse (once again) that I have Celiac’s Disease and that I need a different breakfast.
After the nurse left with that information I was visited by another social worker…a different one. She asked me all the same questions that the social worker the night before asked…exact-same-questions! Then she proceeded to tell me that my multiple hospitalizations are not conducive to someone like me and that an Intensive Outpatient Program would be best suitable for my treatment. I tried to explain to her that I was suicidal and that I had a plan and means and was going to kill myself sometime over the weekend. That was why I was there, why my friend brought me to the ER, why both my Therapist and Psychiatrist thought that admitting myself to the hospital was progress and a good thing…because I was attempting to “keep myself safe” from myself.
After what seemed to be a couple of hours of speaking to this person about treatment, what brought me into the ER, what coping skills I utilized in the past, and what I could do instead of hospitalization; she left with frustration. She left me feeling like I was not being taken seriously, that discharging me would be okay and I would be okay. So…I asked the guard if I could use the phone (they do not allow cell phones or regular phones in the empty blue room…for safety). He brought it in and I immediately called my Therapist and left a message to call me at the ER. Then I called my Psychiatrist and spoke to her about what had transpired with the social worker…and that I was there to keep myself safe from killing myself. I was frustrated and tried to explain everything to my Psychiatrist. She understood what was going on and called the social worker to let her know that I was not in a good mental health state, that I was suicidal, and would probably act on my plan.
Then I tried my Therapist’s phone again and was able to get through. I told her the same thing I told my Psychiatrist. I asked her to call the social worker to let her know I was serious, and that I needed to be somewhere safe throughout the weekend. Of course, after about three hours, I think the social worker finally got the drift that I should be in the hospital and not at home.
Finally, I felt a sense of relief. I was safe from myself…at least the doctors and nurses would not allow me to do anything to myself. Oh, and my breakfast finally arrived! A huge plate of fruit and one hardboiled egg.
Throughout the day I spoke with a couple of friends, my Therapist again, and my Psychiatrist. I realized that being in that empty blue room with a camera in the corner of the ceiling, I was alone. I was going through all this by myself. That it was my mind that had to change and my thoughts had to be safe and I had to have a desire to live. Even though I realized this, I still had the thoughts of wanting to die. I also felt extremely alone.
Toward the evening, I spoke with my Psychiatrist about what was going on in the ER…absolutely nothing…no bed anywhere! I asked her why she cared about me, why she let’s me see her even though she knows I can’t pay her anything right now. I asked her why she did what she does with me…care. She said that was the way she was brought up in her family. That caring was a part of her personality and what she does. I had not experienced someone caring that much in my life. It was a new experience…I did not know what to do with it! I guess I was speechless. I managed to let out a “Thank you” in-between sobs and irregular breathing. I was incredibly grateful for what she had done and what she continues to do.
So…during this time…I waited and waited and waited! I ate lunch and dinner in the ER. I sat and did absolutely nothing all day with the exceptions of talking on the phone. I thought about how I was being kept safe while I was in the ER. Basically I was utilizing my own coping skill that I normally use when I was suicidal…just lay on my bed and do absolutely nothing. Granted, this allows for my daily chores and “normal life” to be put on hold, but it does keep me safe. I began to realize that I could keep myself safe by continuing to utilize that coping skill. But by that time it was time to sleep. The social worker (a different one….again!) still had not found a bed available in all the State! So I took my sleeping medications and tried to sleep.
Around 10pm, the nurse comes in and tells me that they have a bed at a hospital downtown, that some EMT’s were going to be taking me there that night. I was scared and upset that I was going to that hospital. Mostly because I work in the same county that the hospital was in and I was afraid I would run into one of my clients or patients from the places that I normally work.
I end up arriving at the hospital around 11pm. My meds were starting to kick in and the nurse was trying to ask me questions. What a silly thing to do to a person with mental health issues…you aren’t going to get a good answer while a person is drugged up! Anyways, he asked me similar questions that the social worker asked. Then I saw a regular doctor (he just happen to be a second year resident…doctor in training). He asked me what meds I was on and told me that they were not going to give me one of my meds because it was the hospital’s policy to not administer stimulants…Adderall! Wow…if it helps a person, keep them on it!!!
While the questions were being asked, another patient started banging on the door and screaming bloody murder! As if trying to concentrate was easy enough with my meds kicked in, I was also having to listen to the questions with all the ruckus going on. The nurse and doctor decided to let me go ahead and sleep. However, because there was a possibility that one of my clients or patients may be in the same unit, they told me I had to sleep in the Quite Room (a room that was way more empty then the ER blue room)! At that point I did not care where I was to sleep…except I wanted to be as far away from the person screaming and pounding on the door. I do have to admit that sleeping that night was much better then the previous nights. I think it may have had to do with the fact that I was going to be safe and I was so tired, it didn’t matter where I slept.
So…off to sleepy land I went. When I awoke, I felt as if I was transported into my worst nightmares of hospitalizations! With that…I will leave you to take a break and I will continue in Part III.
- My State of Mental Illness…right now…and what true friends do for each other. (mentalillnesstoday.wordpress.com)
- Treatment of Grief in the Therapeutic Community (christiancopingwithsuicide.com)
- Depression/PTSD (mentalillnesstoday.wordpress.com)
- Reason for writing a blog…. (mentalillnesstoday.wordpress.com)
- Why Social Workers Should Oppose DSM-5 (my.psychologytoday.com)
- Doing what’s Right (behindthelockeddoors.wordpress.com)
- Did You Know – Gluten? (bbairdhumanperformance.com)